Bel Homme XXXIII

Image: Subject and photographer unknown.

Running Hare XVII

Image: Eleanor Ludgate.

See also the previous posts:
• The Hare and the Moon
• In the Light of the Moon
• Moon-Struck

"Deal with It": Joe Kort's Message to Straight Men Who Shower with Gay Men

Joe Kort, Ph.D. has written an insightful commentary entitled "To Straight Men Showering With Gay Men: Yes, We Are Looking! (And So Are Other Straight Men) ." First published February 13, 2014 at HuffPost Gay Voices, Kort's commentary is reprinted (with added images and links) in its entirety below.

____________________________

From time to time, a straight guy will admit that he' s not comfortable showering with gay men. He's afraid we'll be looking at him, sizing him up, and will possibly approach him for sexual contact.

New Orleans Saints linebacker Jonathan Vilma was recently quoted as saying that he'd be uncomfortable showering with a gay man in the locker room: "Imagine if he's the guy next to me ... naked, taking a shower, the whole nine [yards], and it just so happens he looks at me. How am I supposed to respond?"

Most gay men have responded to his remark by saying, "Don't flatter yourself" and adding, "We've been showering with you most of our lives, and we know how to be appropriate."

I like those responses, but there's one we're shying away from, and this truth deserves to be said: "Yes! I am looking, and so are many other gay and bisexual men."

In fact, I'll go so far as to say that it's an honor to shower with other men in a locker room, and a privilege to view them – one that I take very seriously and would never abuse. If any straight man could enter the ladies' locker room and shower, I'd dare him to say differently.

But it's equally true that most gay and bisexual men would never act on what they might be thinking. From the very first time we had to undress and shower with you straight men, we have learned to be cautious and careful to avoid being humiliated, bullied or beaten up.

In the 1970s, when I was entering sixth grade, my mother told me about gym and that afterward, I would have to shower with other boys. I was never so excited in my life. But all those titillating and excited feelings quickly ended when I thought about getting an erection in the locker room and being discovered and outed. I knew that would put me at risk for all types of humiliation and abuse.

That's when the tension began. I started to hate gym and would do anything I could to get out of it. Not that I couldn't control myself. I knew I would never dare to approach a guy, but I couldn't trust my own body not to be get aroused, and I felt tremendous shame at being so transparent, that every guy knew what was really on my mind.

This is a common story that many gay men have repeated to me in therapy, so I know I am not alone.

It was pure torture. So I learned to behave appropriately: head up, on my guard, and hypervigilant. I totally shut down any feelings I had just so that I could make it through gym class and get out.

So what's my answer to Mr. Vilma and all the other straight men who feel this way? Feel flattered. Say "thank you" or simply walk away.

But so many straight men can't, because no one has ever taught them how to respond to other men's assertive – and sometimes aggressive – sexual advances. Straight men know how they can act when pursuing women. They know they can be aggressive and not take "no" for an answer. They know they can be crude and use their eyes and body language to pursue a woman even if she feels uncomfortable. They naturally assume that gay men are the same way. And maybe some are.

However, the solution isn't for straight men to attack gay men and take offense from a victim position: "Poor me, having to feel like for a woman when a man sexualizes me!"

My message is to man up! Increase your self-esteem and self-confidence. If a gay or bisexual man finds you sexually attractive, take it as a very high compliment. We gay men are picky and won't hit on just any man we happen to be attracted to.

We have self-control. We have years of practice and experience in locker rooms being appropriate and mindful. We know how to look without being obvious and not making anyone uncomfortable.

In any locker room, all men – straight, bisexual and gay – look at one another. They size each other up, comparing their bodies and penis sizes with those of other men. And some of the gay and bisexual men will go home and masturbate to some of the mental snapshots they captured while looking at you in the locker room.

It's true! Deal with it.


Joe Kort is a psychotherapist, board-certified sex therapist, relationship therapist, and the founder of the Center for Relationship and Sexual Health.

See also the previous posts:
• In the Arena
• The Domain of Eros
• Ball[s] Sports
• Tan Lines XXX

Related Off-site Links:
Panic in the Locker Room – Frank Bruni (New York Times, February 10, 2014).
Michael Sam and the NFL's LGBT Makeover – Josmar Trujillo (FAIR, February 12, 2014).
This Sportscaster Perfectly Exposes The NFL's Irrational Bigotry Against Gay Players – Digg.com (February 10, 2014).
Dallas Anchor Dale Hansen's Plea for Acceptance of Michael Sam's Sexuality Goes Viral – Yahoo! News (February 13, 2014).
How to Behave Around Your Gay Teammate in the Locker Room – John Loos (HuffPost Gay Voices, February 12, 2014).
Naked Male Camaraderie – The Closet Professor (August 24, 2010).
A Letter from One Dad to Michael Sam's Dad: Learn to Accept Your Gay Son Like I Did – Cyd Zeigler Sr. (OutSports.com, February 13, 2014).

Merman VI

Image 1: Bruce Lennon.
Image 2: Rusa.
Image 3: Bruce Lennon.

See also the previous posts:
• Merman
• Merman II
• Merman III
• Merman IV
• Merman V
• A Merman Named Eric

Morning Light

Image: Subject and photographer unknown.

Hare Décor

Image: The Leveret.

The Role of Reevaluation in the Gay Man's Quest for Authenticity

The following is an excerpt from Uncharted Lives: Understanding the Life Passages of Gay Men by Stanley Siegel and Ed Lowe, Jr. (Plume, 1995).

Generally, when a man arrives at roughly the midpoint in his life, he begins to reconsider the choices and the commitments he has made within the context of a changing realization about his mortality and the different perspective he is developing about the passage of time.

Specific choices he has made have absorbed a certain amount of time, and even his relationship with time is new. He feels that he can be more patient – looking five years ahead at a new goal no longer seems so difficult because time seems now to move faster than it did when he was younger – but by the same token, he no longer feels as confident in the amount of time he has ahead of him to accomplish new goals.

. . . This period of high self-examination often leads to a man's deconstructing some elements of his life and realigning them in a rearranged order of importance: what he now thinks he really wants and what he wants to avoid. At some period, and usually this one, every man reinaugurates a quest for authenticity, perhaps one that he feels he abandoned or departed from in a once distracting reach for material satisfaction, praise, or career fulfillment. But the focus and the approach may be vastly different between a gay and straight man during this time of life.

From the outset, the gay man frequently is more prepared for this kind of reevaluation process, because he has been living with it on and off both since childhood and since his earliest acknowledgement of his different sexuality.

Because the gay man was not given the opportunities for participation in institutions like marriage and was forced out of the option to embrace such responsibilities as come with starting a family, he likely developed in his youth an advanced expertise in managing individual freedom and in exploring all the other aspects of life that are not traditionally associated with institutions – nightlife, personal entertainment, socializing, and. frankly, having fun and letting loose. When he reaches a so-called crisis stage, wherein he takes inventory and checks his priorities to see if they still fit, the gay man usually is looking at the possibility of embracing some serious responsibilities. The classic heterosexual man at the same crossroads in life generally is depicted as doing exactly the opposite, as throwing off his too burdensome responsibilities and his career ambitions in order that he may stop to smell the roses, buy a red sports car, and fall in love with a sexually enthusiastic woman fifteen years his junior.

Reevaluation and reexamination seem to be a period characterized by a fair recognition of the value of love and a strong desire to welcome love as a greater, more dominant ingredient in an individual's life than perhaps it previously had been.

Along with the renewed interest in authenticity, the individual becomes more aware of the number and relative proximity of people who love him and with whom he can be loving.


See also the previous posts:
• "Don't Fence Me In"
• Affirming Our Essential Goodness
• Wrestling with the Angel
• Mindful Lovemaking
• The Gay Male Quest for Democratic, Mutual, Reciprocal Sex

Photography: The Leveret.